Hours Away and Ready to Go!

August 4, 2009

So here I am, in the hours before surgery and there’s no nail biting or sweaty palms. A little anxiousness but no fear. Mostly peace. During my pre-surgery consultation the surgeon said that by the day the surgery arrives most people are so over waiting for the day that their over-riding thought more than fear of pain or the process is “Let’s just get this done!” Ditto to that!

I’ve noticed the past few days I’m paying more attention to my body. Holding my “love handles” and the other squishy areas of my body that will be changing over the course of the next months following the surgery and the time it takes to fully heal. It’s a little ironic that having made peace with my body after a number of years of abusing it and hating it, I’m now going ahead and allowing someone to cut into it, remove part of it, and sew what remains together.

I think this is how it should be; to love yourself before changing it rather than to change it in hopes you might love it. I wouldn’t want to go into a surgery like this hating my body or having any thought that once this surgery is done I would finally be content with this fleshy shell that’s held the truest part of me, my spirit and soul of who I am from the first day I appeared on the scene.

That’s not how it is for everyone. Some people; brilliant, reasonable, capable people, believe that a few nips and tucks will be the pathway for them to love their bodies and by extension love themselves. I was reminded of how true this was when signing the final batch of forms at the surgeon’s office the other day there was a statement I was required to initial with all the rest that read, “I understand that by having this surgery my happiness in life won’t necessarily be increased.” After all the medical warnings that preceded it, what a strange thing to read those particular words on a medical form! And yet they were there in black and white because there had been patients in the past who passed through my surgeons office and were upset because their life was the same after surgery as it had been the day before. Their hips were a little smaller, their nose more sculpted, their wrinkles less noticeable and they were still discontent and had problems. Even after all the reconstructive work and all the effort and cost and energy it took to go through the process they still weren’t happy with who they were and who they saw in the mirror. After all the bandages had been removed, the stitches gone and the scars faded, they turned to their reflection and still couldn’t see the beauty there and the inner sense of well-being they thought would be there when the surgery was over still escaped them. Reconstructive surgery may have changed the shape and tone of their bodies but it didn’t change the quality of their life in all the ways that most matter.

How much easier would that be if all it took was an operation to find contentment and be at peace with ourselves?  Instead, true contentment comes in understanding that the body we have isn’t all that we are but part of who we are and what is within and what is external was created by God’s very handiwork. Our happiness comes in accepting that the greater beauty lies within and that what is within requires more of our attention and care than flesh and skin. True contentment comes in accepting that sometimes life is hard and sometimes life is grand and sometimes it’s as stunning as an oil painting created by a master artist and other times it’s as messy as a preschoolers finger-painting and this is the body we have to experience it all and this body is good.

Acceptance is the key and it took me accepting, appreciating and being grateful for my body that brought me to the point in my life where I could treat it well by nourishing it with what it needed to thrive, giving it the movement it longed for to be alive and active, and then as I’m doing tomorrow, saying goodbye and letting go to the surplus of flesh that served me well and did it’s job by holding me all together for so many years.

This has been quite a journey but it’s not over yet…just another corner rounded in the road.

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Posted in Body Image, Reconstructive Surgery