The Space Between My Ears Wears Me Out Sometimes
February 5, 2010
Back in December I blogged about how I was struggling to get my weight where I wanted it to be and despite a month of primarily being back on the liquid fast I’m here to report that my weight barely budged. While I’m assuming/hoping/praying this will begin to change now that I’m back at the gym and looking forward to the approaching cycling and hiking weather, for the time being I’m finding it a real challenge to balance my weight at any particular number.
As a recap, the lowest weight I reached following surgery was somewhere around 150 pounds and because I hit it once I’ve been feeling like that’s the weight I should be at to be “successful,” but even with a minimal caloric intake, drinking plenty of water, increasing my activity, yadda yadda yadda, the bathroom scales refuse to decrease in number. Unless I have a little extra to eat at a meal or add an extra snack and then those old bathrooms scales don’t hesitate to flash me an upward turn.
So the other day I was again engaged in obsessive thoughts about all this when I remembered that when I began the fast in January 2009 I never entertained the thought of getting to 150 and wearing size 8 jeans. No. The goal I set for myself at the time was to one day weight between 160-165 pounds, to reach a BMI of between 25-27, and I would have been elated to imagine myself in size 12 clothing. Well, guess what? Here are the facts as they stand today. My weight has, for the past few months, been consistently hovering between 158-162, my BMI without exercise has been just above 27, and I’m comfortably wearing size 10-12 jeans (though the one pair of size 8 jeans I bought at 150 still fit though breathing is optional). It took a number of years but finally I reached my goal and now that I’m there…it seems it’s not good enough.
Which leads to the question, do we ever get to a place in our lives where we’re genuinely content with how we look? Can we ever just relax into our bodies, look in the mirror, and say, “Looking good today Sweetheart” and actually mean it? I know I want that and I’m working toward that end but not all that surprisingly sometimes the hardest work we do is between our two ears rather than between the two sides rails of a treadmill. Without going all Oprah, it just seems it would be a whole lot more beneficial and productive to be cheerleaders for ourselves rather than a panel of multiple sneering, cynical Simon Cowles.
And so the work continues….
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Posted in Maintaining Weight, Weight Loss
February 5th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
oh, please DO go all Oprah on us! and this is good stuff. i love it and needed it today.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Another winner!
When I started my “journey” of weight loss and healthy life style, back in November, I decided that I had only two objectives in mind, 1) to be healthy and 2) to be strong. I made a conscious decision not to worry about what I look like or what the numbers on that infernal scale were (not that I don’t weigh, I just try not to fret over it). Be healthy and strong, that’s all I care about.
I go to the gym, usually, at lest three days a week and while I’m there, I see guys who are over-weight, I see guys who are just a little soft, I see guys who are skinny as a rail and I see guys who are muscle bound and well defined. I catch myself, on a regular basis, looking at those last guys and thinking, “Man I wish I looked like that” or “That’s what I want to look like. Eventually, I will.” I have to stop myself when I have those thoughts and remind myself that is not what I’m there for. I’m there to be healthy and be strong.
I know that a natural part of that will be losing quite a few pounds of excess body weight and also, most likely, gaining some muscle definition. Will I have chiseled abs and rock hard pecs? Alas, probably not, but that’s OK.
My objective (I don’t use the word goal because that implies there’s an end and this is a lifelong endeavor) is to be strong and healthy and that’s all I need to worry about. If I have to tell myself that 100 times everyday, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t think it’s going to have to be that many though.
March 24th, 2010 at 8:19 am
Sweetie, you have done SO well! A little set-back is normal, so don’t sweat the small stuff.
I found a little mirror that’s inscribed “You look fabulous!” I keep threatening to buy it for my step-daughter, but I’m beginning to think that Bev & I could use it too
March 24th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Jan –> Keep that mirror for you two!
Susanna –> I’m thinking it’s the muscle mass as well because really, that’s all that’s changing these days. My food more or less (usually less) remains the same. As to the shoes, I actually wear regular sneakers in spin class and use the toe basket side of the pedals however I’m going to treat myself and take in my bike shoes to have the clips put on the bottom and then use them exclusively in spin class since I will NEVER install my feet in clips out on the road. I have such a phobic fear of stopping and tipping over I can’t even tell you!